I’ve heard a lot of drivers say a lot of crazy shit: from the ones who’ve asked me if I’m French (because, yes, I look like this) to those who actually employ the bus intercom system to yell at a car in front of them:
“YOU! IN THE DODGE! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT! I HAVE A TOOTHPICK FOR A DICK AND YELLING INTO AN INTERCOM LIKE THE EPIC DOUCHE THAT I AM IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET OFF!”
Um, OK, I made up last sentence, but the first part is totally accurate and has happened. Twice.
But I digress. For the most part, though, drivers don’t do much except for drive the bus. I mean they are somewhat responsible for the lives of 50+ assholes, and if they fuck up their admittedly stressful, yet relatively simple job, well…that’s a lot of shit to explain.
So imagine my surprise when Hooked on Phonics started reading while the bus was in motion. In my delusional mind he was reading to further his career — material like the “How to Make Change” or (my personal favorite) “How to Read a Bus Schedule…and Share the Information” pamphlets that I’m sure the union only offers their most promising drivers (aka The Few. The Lame. The NJ Transit Bus Drivers.) But, in truth, he must’ve been perusing something scintillating like an article on new developments in toilet paper, which is obviously far more important than…watching the road.
I wanted to say to him, “Can I get you anything else, perhaps? A cocktail? A snack? Pillow? Or how about…Perez Hilton’s mouth? Cause you’re gonna need it for the huge cock of justice that I’m going to make you blow after we get into an accident."
161 more to go!
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