#4: The Whiner

Take road rage, remove the violence, add both the volume and pitch of a tortured cat and pour it into a chalupa and you’ll get...The Whiner.

“AAAY! Why doesn’t she move! Doesn’t she know she’s blockeeng all thees boo-sehs?” The Whiner moaned loud enough for the entire bus to hear because the bus lane had slowed to a crawl and the bus in the front was moving slower than it took Kevin Federline to learn how to read .

Before we reached the Port Authority she looked at me and held up two fingers in my face and said, “Two days! Two days now we’ve had thees cone-geeestion!” I stared at her blankly. First, I had to translate her words in my head, and second, I was distracted by her visible ability to count.

She also actually got up and asked the driver if she could be dropped off sooner than the Port Authority. Uh…after the tunnel are just thin ramps bordering five Pissed-Off-I-Just-Sat-In-Tunnel-Traffic lanes and then the Port Authority. I guess she wanted to be let off on the ramp so she could play leap frog or something?

But my own personal favorite signature move of The Whiner is when she bitches about the driver’s driving —loud enough (purposely, natch) so he or she can hear.

“AAAY! Thees one goes SOOO slow! We are naaaayver going to get there! We don’t have aaaaalll day, zhu know what I’m saying?! AAAAY!” Then she nudges me and nods over at the driver, who is either deaf or doesn’t give a shit. Much like myself.

163 more to go!

#3: Crazy, Retarded, Racist Cross-Eyed Woman

Actual quote(s) overheard: 

"My gums hurt."

"I like shrimp. My husband got me into it. Except I don't like shrimp cocktail. Uncooked shrimp is disgusting."

"Turn the heat down! I've asked you a hundred times already! Why don't you go back to wherever you came from!"

I'm willing to bet the farm that this woman is legally mentally retarded in some ways, though (amazingly) fully functional. She's even apparently married, since every other sentence mentions this husband, though, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that her "husband" is actually just another word for her imaginary friend . She dresses as though she's blind, but really, she's merely cross-eyed. I would feel bad for her and I would be on my way to hell, save for the fact that she's a racist. One time she threw a bona fide shit fit at the bus driver and yelled at him to go back to "wherever he came from" because the bus wasn't cooling down fast enough to her liking. I've also seen her full-on try and block someone of a darker complexion from sitting next to her. She literally threw her arm across the seat and everything. Either he was a little short bus himself or he just didn't give a shit about the crazy, retarded, racist cross-eyed woman and just sat his brown ass down. She moved her arm just in time. The cherry on top? She sounds like she's drunk: loud as hell, slurred and painfully labored pronunciation of each word. 

#3 down, 164 more to go!

#2: Suspicious Eyes

This guy didn't say a word, just sat there looking cool and calm with his sunglasses. Until we entered the Tommy Lee of NYC tunnels (Lincoln) and he pulled out his video camera. For those who don't know it's pretty fuckin dark in there. One could (hypothetically) conceive a child in there and no one would be the wiser. Quietly, he took his video camera out of his bag and got it ready by flipping the screen out and powering it up. Then he waited until we passed one of those double-decker red sightseeing buses and he filmed them as we passed. He did this one more time before we got pooped out on the other side. 

I called the Port Authority Suspicious Activity line. They were supposed to be sending a detective to look at the photo I took. Oh well. It's not like NYC has reason to be worried about tour bus bombings.

Second one down, 165 more to go!

#1: Smelly Finger Sniffer

Actual quote overheard from Passenger #1 (aka Jacked Barbra Streisand) while she was word vomiting into her cell:

“I went to Hahtland Brewery tonight with da girlzzz now my fingers smell. Yes, they smell like finger foods!”

And then she... actually smelled her fingers.

Read the full, horrific story here.

1 down, 166 more to go!